Cutting the Crap: A No-Nonsense Elimination List

Alright, so here’s the deal. I gotta start cutting some sh*t out of my life. Why? Because life’s already overwhelming enough without piling on a bunch of unnecessary crap that makes me feel like garbage. And let’s be honest—most of the stuff we consume is just us trying to distract ourselves from the fact that we’re all eventually gonna die. But hey, let’s at least feel decent on the way there, right?


So this list? This is my way of telling all these useless, toxic, life-draining things to pack their bags and leave my mind, my space, and my life for good. Keeps me focused, keeps me from turning into a bloated, foggy-brained disaster, and, you know, makes me feel like I have some control over my existence. Plus, I’m a minimalist, which means I’m actively trying not to be one of these hoarder psychopaths with six blenders and a garage full of expired protein powder.


Alright, let’s break it down:


Nutrition – Things That Are Dead to Me

1. Grain and Wheat – Yeah, because apparently, my body processes this stuff like I just swallowed a bag of cement. Ever try cutting out grains? You instantly feel like a functioning human being instead of a carb-addicted manatee.


2. Animal Products – Oh, here we go, this is where people get triggered. “Oh my God, you’re vegan? What do you even eat?” I dunno, Susan, maybe literally every freakin ‘ thing that isn’t tortured and processed into a shrink-wrapped horror show at Walmart?


3. High Sodium – Because I don’t need to wake up with my hands looking like inflatable boxing gloves from all the water retention. Turns out, dumping a bucket of salt on everything isn’t great for your blood pressure. Who knew?


4. Processed Sugars – This one hurts. But let’s be honest, sugar is basically the drug we all agreed to pretend isn’t a drug. It’s in everything. You ever try quitting sugar? It’s like your brain goes full “Trainspotting” withdrawal. But after a few weeks, you stop craving it, and suddenly, an apple tastes like candy.


5. Alcohol – Look, I’ve had my fun. But at a certain point, you gotta stop waking up in a panic wondering if you texted something insane to your boss. Also, you ever notice that drinking is just an expensive way to feel like sh*t? Like, “Hey, let’s spend $100 tonight so I can have the worst sleep of my life and spend the next day contemplating my existence.” No thanks.


6. High Glycemic – This one’s just science, people. I’m trying to avoid that blood sugar rollercoaster where I eat a banana and then suddenly feel like I need to lie down for four hours. Not gonna happen.


So yeah, that’s the list. I’m cutting this stuff out, not because I think I’m better than anyone, but because I’m tired of feeling like a sluggish, anxious, salt-soaked mess. Let’s see how long it lasts before I cave and eat an entire loaf of sourdough.





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