When Nature Takes the Wheel: Should Vegans Eat Fallen Animals?

Okay, so here’s a thought that’s been rattling around in my oversized, possibly malnourished vegan brain: If a vegan is really just against killing animals for food, what if the animal just… drops dead on its own? Like, “Oh no! Natural causes! Nothing I could do!” Does that mean I get a free pass to chow down, guilt-free?

This is what I think about at night. Not world peace, not how to better myself—this.

At first glance, it seems like a loophole—a way to get that sweet, sweet protein fix while still being morally superior to my meat-eating friends. But then I started really thinking about it. And folks, it all falls apart fast.

Step One: The Whole “Finding a Dead Animal” Problem

Where exactly am I supposed to find all these naturally deceased animals? What’s the plan here? Am I gonna start staking out a retirement home for cows? Waiting around in the woods like some extremely patient psychopath, just hoping a deer keels over from stress?

What am I, a scavenger now? Should I get a beak? Some talons? Just fully commit and start circling roadways like a vulture, hoping to score a free lunch?

“Oh look! A dead raccoon! Guess it’s time to make tacos!”

See? This is already falling apart.

Step Two: The Gross Factor

Even if I did stumble across an animal that conveniently passed away, what’s next? I just… scoop it up and bring it home? Toss it in the freezer next to my oat milk? What kind of sick monster sees a lifeless cow and thinks, “Oooh, dinner’s sorted!”

Let’s be real—meat from a naturally dead animal is just rotting garbage with a fancy backstory. And if you’re gonna eat it, you might as well go all the way: Dig through dumpsters, lick subway poles, just fully embrace gastrointestinal chaos.

Step Three: Explaining This to Literally Anyone

Imagine being at a dinner party. Someone asks, “Oh, I thought you were vegan. Why are you eating steak?”

And I go, “Ah, yes, well, you see, this cow passed away naturally, and therefore, I have been granted permission by the great vegan overlords to consume its flesh!”

There is no version of this conversation where I don’t end up on some kind of watchlist.

Step Four: The Final Realization

Look, veganism isn’t just about not killing animals—it’s about not treating animals like food, period. If you’re out here scraping up naturally dead squirrels, you’ve already lost. You’re just making up new, deeply unsettling ways to justify eating meat.

At the end of the day, I think I’ll just stick with beans. They don’t require any elaborate mental gymnastics, and—bonus—they don’t involve me running around with a metal detector looking for expired livestock.

Final Rules for Vegan Survival (Now With 100% Less Roadkill!):

1. Eat plants. They’re good. They don’t require funerals.

2. Avoid scavenging. If your dinner requires forensic analysis, rethink your life choices.

3. Don’t try to “hack” veganism. This isn’t a video game. Just eat a lentil and move on.

4. Explain your diet without sounding insane. Nobody wants to hear about how you “ethically foraged a deceased pigeon.”

5. Make peace with tofu. It’s here to help. Let it.

So yeah, I think I’ll just stick to my chickpeas and not spend my weekends combing the countryside for expired poultry. Feels like the right call.

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